Life as the partner of someone with OCD

“I’ve always known that Laura has anxiety, but at the time I thought of it more as anxiety attacks and did not connect it with OCD because I did not know much about it. Laura’s anxiety attacks were also more intense and more frequent then than they are today. We were essentially doing what we do now—talking about it—but we did not have the same knowledge about OCD then, so the conversations often became long and went round in circles. Laura felt reassured, but she did not yet have the tools to deal with the thoughts more directly, and neither did I. Back then, I had to take a very deep breath more often—for example, if she woke me during an anxiety attack at three in the morning—because I knew it could become a long conversation. She can still wake me at night, but I find it easier to handle today because we know what helps her. So I usually listen and give her a hug, but then I also ask what she needs to do next to bring her anxiety down, and fortunately she knows much more about that today. I cannot treat her OCD for her.”

“Anxiety has never been taboo in our home, and talking about it works for us. Laura turns to me when the thoughts become too overwhelming. I know her, of course, and I know that she has always been like this. I think I can tell Laura’s own thoughts from the thoughts driven by OCD. It is simply so obvious when it is OCD. Then I tell her that I am not worried because I recognise the pattern. I try to look for clues as to what has caused the OCD to flare up just then, and I know that it happens particularly during stressful periods. It has also become easier to handle since I learned more about OCD, because now I know that they are not really Laura’s thoughts. I am probably also just someone who does not dwell on things very much.”

“No. We have simply worked out what suits us best: talking openly about it and using the tools we have learned about. In a way, I suppose that is an agreement too—being explicit with each other about what works.”

“I am not entirely sure what you mean?”

“Yes, I can see that. I do not think I can say that I have never supported OCD, but that was certainly more common in the past, when I did not know as much about it. Now I leave more of the work of fighting it to Laura, using the tools she has, and I am more of a calm presence she can turn to.”

“As we came across the term OCD in different places, we began to feel that the descriptions fitted Laura’s reactions. Her previous therapist also thought it was OCD, and they talked about it, but I do not think it was the main focus of therapy at the time. As we have realised that it is OCD, I have gained a more practical understanding of what OCD is and how to view it. I see it as a kind of third person in the relationship—one you can choose to feed or starve. That information and Laura’s therapy have given us both knowledge and tools for managing it. Anxiety has never been taboo in our home, but I feel that Laura can open up more to me and finds it easier to put her thoughts into words since starting therapy. Perhaps because she knows that I understand more about it now, she is less afraid of what I might think. As Laura has told me she learnt in therapy, it is partly about taking the wind out of OCD’s sails by talking about it. Therapy has made all of this more concrete, and we now have a basic understanding that makes it easier to talk about. I used to become a little worried if Laura said, for example, that she was unsure whether she had thoughts about a male colleague and feared that this meant she did not love me enough or in the right way. Knowing that OCD is giving Laura these thoughts has eased some of my worry, because then I know that it is not really her thinking that way.”

“I am not too worried about that. I think I have a reasonable understanding of what OCD is about and how to handle it. I recognise the pattern of it flaring up during stressful periods or major upheavals. Laura has also become much better at knowing when and how to deal with the thoughts. She does not dwell on them as much now, but deals with them sooner and knows more about how to manage them. And I have a better idea of what I can do to help her out of a spiral of OCD thoughts. I do not think we will ever be completely free of OCD, but it has already become easier to manage, so I feel fairly calm about the future.”