Taking care of yourself as a relative in everyday life with OCD

When OCD takes up space in a person’s life, it also changes everyday life for those close to them. You listen for signs that a ritual is about to begin, cancel plans to avoid distress or lie awake thinking about the next day. Gradually, there is less room for the relative’s sleep, work, relationships and ordinary life.

Taking care of yourself also means holding on to your place in your own life and in the relationship. You need to be able to remain close to someone with OCD without disappearing into the task yourself.

Why did this happen – and is it my fault?

Many people spend a great deal of time wondering why their family has been affected. Parents look for mistakes in how they raised their child, while a partner goes over the relationship in search of an explanation. When there is no single clear answer, relatives can easily place the blame on themselves.

There is no single cause of OCD. Inherited and biological vulnerability interacts with psychological and environmental factors, and stress can make symptoms worse. Parents, partners and other close relations do not cause the disorder.

The stress-vulnerability model describes how stress and individual vulnerability interact. The same strain affects people differently. The model does not explain why this particular person developed OCD. It helps the family understand the interaction without looking for someone to blame.

Your role is that of a relative, not a therapist

A relative’s role varies according to the relationship, the person’s age and the course of treatment. Parents of a child or young person are usually closely involved. A partner, sibling, friend or parent of an adult is in a different position. What they have in common is that they are important sources of support without being responsible for treatment.

Many relatives feel that it is their responsibility to make sure the person with OCD gets better. The question “Am I doing the right thing?” follows them throughout the day, and a conflict or worsening of symptoms can quickly feel like their fault.

It becomes particularly difficult when attempts to change something are met with intense distress, anger or despair. Previous reactions can make a relative afraid to step back from a task or hold firm to an agreement. That fear is not a sign of unwillingness; it is an understandable consequence of having been through situations that became intense and lasted a long time.

During treatment, relatives often have specific tasks and support the agreements made with the therapist. Responsibility for making a diagnosis, planning exposure and assessing the course of treatment does not lie with the family.

Holding on to your role also means noticing when help has become family accommodation: repeated answers, participation in rituals or an everyday life organised around OCD’s demands. If family accommodation continues for a time, this does not necessarily mean that the family is being passive. For many families, maintaining a stable level of help provides the calm needed before change can even be contemplated. The changes themselves belong within an agreed course of treatment.

The relationship is protected when you hold on to what it was built on before OCD. Spending time together can also mean sharing a meal, going for a walk, watching a film or doing something that makes you laugh. The person with OCD needs to continue to be met as a whole person, and the relative needs a relationship that is not solely about symptoms and problem-solving.

Your own needs have value in themselves

When OCD takes up a great deal of space, personal needs are easily postponed. During acute periods, some things may have to wait. The strain becomes serious when the exception becomes everyday life and the relative’s own life has to give way again and again.

A relative’s needs do not become less legitimate because the person with OCD is struggling. They are not a reward you only become entitled to once the person gets better. At the same time, having a life alongside OCD gives you more capacity to approach difficult situations calmly and hold on to shared agreements.

It may feel wrong to sleep, laugh, go out or focus on something else while someone you love is struggling. But a relative’s moments of rest and happiness do not make the other person’s disorder any less serious. They belong to the life that OCD would otherwise gradually make smaller.

You are allowed to talk to others about the strain you are under

The person with OCD has a right to privacy. At the same time, relatives need to be able to put into words what it is like to be in their position. When a demand for secrecy prevents a relative from receiving support, the secrecy itself becomes part of the strain.

You can talk about your own sleep, worry and isolation without disclosing the private thoughts of the person with OCD. Asking someone you trust to listen or offer practical help is not a breach of that trust.

When you need support as a relative

When everyday life is organised almost entirely around OCD, or when the relative’s own life repeatedly has to give way, support is needed. Constant vigilance, exhaustion and fear of the next conflict are not things anyone should have to carry alone.

Support can take different forms. Joint sessions during treatment focus on how the family can support the treatment. Separate sessions for relatives focus on the relative’s own strain, boundaries and relationships.

Clear roles make it possible to stand together against OCD. The relative remains a parent, partner, sibling or friend, and the person with OCD remains more than their symptoms. There must be room for both of their lives.