Can we learn to think differently? Part 2

How can our basic assumptions and rules for living about ourselves, other people and the world limit our psychological wellbeing?

More than 8 billion people live in the world. Each of them has their own understanding of the world, of other people and of themselves. In a sense, we all see the world through different lenses. This means that two people can experience the same situation in very different ways. When we experience the world differently, it can create new and interesting insights into the world and into our encounters with other people. If we make room for that, it can help us understand sides of a situation that we had not noticed ourselves.

At the same time, our different understandings of the world and of the situations we find ourselves in can also be the source of many misunderstandings and limitations in our lives and in our general psychological wellbeing. If we believe that a colleague does not like us, we will meet that colleague through that particular lens every time we are at work. This can lead us to avoid her and interpret everything she says as an attempt to hurt us. Conversely, the colleague may get the impression that we do not like her, and she may therefore also try to avoid us.

This kind of misunderstanding arises because we have different assumptions about ourselves and other people. Misunderstandings like these can be reduced by gaining insight into our own assumptions about ourselves, others and the world, while also noticing how they may differ from other people’s assumptions.

In the previous article, we looked at how negative automatic thoughts, interpretations and evaluations of concrete situations can lead to a low mood, and how these can be changed through a 5-column thought record.

In this article, I explain what basic assumptions and rules for living are, how they arise, and how they are maintained over time.

Basic assumptions and rules for living

We are all born, in a sense, as a blank slate, also called tabula rasa. This means that at birth we have not yet formed assumptions about what we are like, what other people are like, or what the world is like. These assumptions are formed gradually from childhood and through adolescence and adult life. They develop through the experiences we have and what we learn about ourselves, our encounters with others and the world in general. The formation of these assumptions should not be understood as a process with a clear endpoint and a finished result, but rather as a process that continues throughout life.

Already in childhood, however, we will have formed our first basic assumptions about ourselves, the world and other people. These may be assumptions such as: “When I am sad, I can seek comfort from my mother”, “I can trust that other people mean well” or “When I am sad, no one helps me”.

Our basic assumptions can be seen as a kind of filter or pair of lenses through which we experience the world. If I have a basic assumption that “I can trust that other people mean well”, I will usually feel safe and at ease in situations involving other people, because I have a basic expectation that the people in the room mean well. This means that I will not be afraid to talk to the people present, and if they do not come over and talk to me, I will not interpret this as rejection.

Conversely, if I have a basic assumption that “I cannot trust other people” or “other people do not like me”, I will experience situations with other people through that assumption. This may mean that if I am at a party, I avoid talking to people because I am convinced that they do not want to talk to me. If someone comes over and wants to talk to me, I will most likely judge that they are only doing it out of pity.

Our basic assumptions therefore influence how we act in particular situations, with particular people and in the world more generally. These patterns are also called rules for living. In other words, we set up certain rules for how we should live and move through the world. These rules for living will be consistent with our basic assumptions. If I have an assumption that other people do not like me unless I do everything perfectly, I may have a rule for living that says I must always make sure that everything I do is perfect. Similarly, if I have a basic assumption that I am worth less than other people, I may have a rule for living that I must not express my opinion or say no to other people.

Our basic assumptions and rules for living are therefore very powerful in shaping how we experience, interpret and, not least, act in different situations. Two people in the same situation, with the same people present, can therefore have two very different experiences of the situation and of the people who were there, and they may also react to the situation in very different ways.

The connection between experiences, basic assumptions and rules for living

We are born more or less as a blank slate. We are not born with basic assumptions that other people can be trusted, or the opposite. This is something we learn through experiences with other people. Our early experiences are therefore especially important for how we experience and act in the world. Our experiences form the basis of our basic assumptions, and our basic assumptions then form the basis for how we experience new situations.

This connection is important to understand, because people with negative basic assumptions can become caught in a vicious circle that confirms and maintains their negative basic assumptions about themselves, other people and the world.

Klara’s story can illustrate this connection:

Klara is an 18-year-old girl. She struggles with low self-worth and generally has little desire to be around other people. As a result, she often isolates herself.

Klara was bullied during her childhood and early adolescence. She became used to other people speaking harshly to her or completely ignoring her. It began at such an early age that Klara can almost not remember it ever being different.

Without Klara necessarily being aware of it, these experiences have helped create Klara’s basic assumption about herself, other people and the world. Because her experiences with other people and the world have generally been negative, her basic assumption about herself, others and the world is also negative. Because Klara has experienced being spoken to harshly, ignored and rejected, she has formed a basic assumption that she is worth less than other people. This, in turn, has given rise to a number of rules for living, such as the idea that because Klara is worth less than other people, she does not feel able to express her opinion. Klara has also developed the idea that because she is worth less than other people, she does not feel allowed to say no or set boundaries.

Klara therefore moves through new situations with these “lenses” on. Because Klara often does not say no in different situations, she frequently experiences that her boundaries are crossed. In her adolescence and early adult life, she has especially experienced this in romantic and sexual relationships. These experiences have once again given Klara the sense that she is worth less than other people, and have therefore confirmed the same basic assumption.

Klara has also formed a basic assumption that other people mean her harm. This has given rise to a rule for living that she avoids people as much as possible, or at least does not share anything private about herself at all. In this way, Klara has relatively few new experiences with new people, and she therefore misses the opportunity to have her assumption that others mean her harm disconfirmed.

Klara’s assumptions therefore create a vicious circle, because they influence how she acts and evaluates new situations, which then creates new experiences that confirm for Klara that she is worth less than other people and that other people mean her harm. At this point, Klara is not aware that her basic assumption was created on the basis of earlier experiences, and that these assumptions then create new experiences.

It may seem as though Klara cannot do anything about this vicious circle, because she did not have control over the earlier negative experiences with other people. But that is not the case. Klara can begin to break the vicious circle by becoming aware of the connection between earlier experiences, basic assumptions, rules for living and new experiences. The next section returns to how this vicious circle can be broken.

In Klara’s case, the connection can be summarised as a chain from bullying in childhood, to the basic assumption that she is worth less than others, and on to the rule for living that she must not set boundaries.

The example shows how negative basic assumptions and rules for living can create a vicious circle that confirms the person’s basic assumptions and rules for living, and in Klara’s case lowers her motivation, self-worth, energy and desire.

Our basic assumptions and rules for living do not necessarily have to be negative in order to be limiting. They can be positive or neutral, but very narrow or contradictory, and this can also create psychological discomfort and a self-confirming vicious circle.

Sandra’s story illustrates this:

Sandra would like to find a partner and have a family, because she believes that this is the only thing that can make her truly happy. Sandra therefore has a basic assumption that the only way she can become truly happy is by finding a partner. At the same time, Sandra has a basic assumption about herself as a free spirit who wants to be able to travel, do what she wants and not let other people decide for her.

When Sandra meets a potential partner or a man she likes, she often feels trapped in the relationship, precisely because she feels that he is taking away her freedom. She finds it difficult to accept if he expects something from her or expresses a wish to spend more time with her. Sandra often ends these relationships and is left with the feeling that once again she has not succeeded in finding a partner. She loses hope that she will ever find one, and with that, the hope of becoming truly happy. Sandra is not aware that her basic assumption that a partner is the only way to become happy, and her basic assumption that she wants to be free, can get in each other’s way and become limiting.

How do we change and expand our basic assumptions and rules for living?

After Klara’s example, it may be tempting to think that this vicious circle is difficult to break once a person has had negative experiences, for example because of bullying, and those experiences have then formed the basis of assumptions about themselves, other people and the world, which in turn can form rules and influence new experiences. It is, of course, possible to change and expand our basic assumptions and rules for living. The first step is to become aware of the connection between our early experiences, basic assumptions, rules for living and future new experiences.

Not everyone is aware of which assumptions they have about themselves, others or the world, and especially not which rules for living they have formed on the basis of these experiences. It can therefore be difficult to recognise them on one’s own. But a first step can be to look at one’s early experiences and reflect on what they may have meant for how one sees oneself, other people and the world. If no clear experiences come to mind, such as an exhausting relationship or a difficult childhood with bullying at school, one can also try writing down a few sentences about the thoughts that immediately come up about oneself, others and the world.

Do negative thoughts about yourself immediately come to mind, and are you a person who wants to do everything perfectly? Are you someone who thinks that you cannot trust the world, or that you need to be 100 per cent certain about a situation before moving into it?

Once you have identified which thoughts or basic assumptions you have about yourself, other people and the world, you can begin to think about how these thoughts influence your actions and your general way of living. If you find that you cannot trust other people, what rules for living might you have set up for yourself? Perhaps you live by the rule that you do not share private things with other people. If you have a basic assumption that the world is an unsafe place, you may have formed a rule for living that you can only make decisions or enter new situations if you have thought through every aspect of the situation and are sure that nothing can go wrong. You may also have formed a rule for living that means you generally never move into new situations.

Once you have examined your basic assumptions and rules for living in this way, you can go on to ask yourself how they limit you in having experiences, feeling happy or simply living the life you want.

If we take the example of the assumption that the world is generally an unsafe place, and the related rule for living is that you must have 100 per cent control over every aspect of a new situation before you move into it, you can ask yourself how such an assumption and rule get in the way of living the life you want. They do this by making you rarely enter new situations, because you avoid them unless you have 100 per cent control. That is unfortunate if, at the same time, you dream of having new experiences, such as travelling, getting a new job, moving home or starting an education.

When you reach this realisation, the challenge is to challenge your rules for living by, for example, moving into new situations even when you do not feel completely safe or at ease. This can be done gradually, for example by doing it with people you feel safe with, or by choosing less demanding situations. It could be taking a weekend trip to a new place instead of a whole week, or choosing to go to a party you would normally avoid. It could also be going to the supermarket without having thought through every scenario of what might potentially happen. It is important here to challenge your rule for living and basic assumption slowly and in small steps, because if you take on challenges that are far too large, you may simply experience it as stressful and unsafe, and this may confirm your assumptions that the world is an unsafe place.

You can also use a 5-column thought record, which was introduced in part 1 of this article. This would be especially relevant if, for example, you have a basic assumption that you are worth less than other people, and a rule for living that you need constant validation from others in order to feel that you have worth. In such a situation, the 5-column thought record can be used by writing down a concrete situation where you felt worth less than other people. This could be at a staff meeting where a colleague did not validate your opinion on a professional topic. The exercise consists of filling in the 5-column thought record by finding alternative thoughts to the thought that “the reason my colleague disagreed with me is that I am worth less than other people”. An alternative thought could be: “Even though my colleague disagreed with me, it does not mean that my opinion has less value, or that I am worth less as a person. I can have a different opinion on a professional topic without that meaning that I am worth less than those who do not share my opinion.”

It is therefore possible to change one’s basic assumptions and rules for living by becoming aware of why, when and how they were originally formed, and then examining how they get in the way of psychological wellbeing and of living one’s life more generally.

Closing

There is a clear connection between earlier experiences, basic assumptions and rules for living. The experiences we have had often form the basis of our basic assumptions about ourselves, other people and the world, which in turn form the basis of the rules for living we set up for ourselves. This connection can become negatively reinforcing and limiting for our psychological wellbeing if our basic assumptions are negative and our rules for living mean that we avoid situations or interpret other people’s behaviour as confirming our negative assumptions about ourselves, others and the world.

To prevent our basic assumptions and rules for living from becoming too limiting for our psychological wellbeing, it is important to be aware of this connection, and especially of how our rules for living get in the way of achieving the things we want and living the life we wish to live.